Random thoughts

I am proud to say that I have earned everything by myself, from the start of my music career. School has taught me (beat me to death to teach me) that no one will ever give me an opportunity unless I fight for it. I fought VERY HARD, not because I think I am better than others, but because if I don't fight, I will not survive.

I still remember how miserable I was when I first started my doctoral study at UMKC... I shouldn't have been.

Not that I really believe in myself - actually, I don't believe in myself that much - I never really expected to win anything, and I never thought I deserve any award or stuff; I entered to many competitions nonetheless, not thinking that I might win, but thinking, "this is the only way out."

I have represented UMKC on many occasions, both nationally and internationally. I am, for the first time, proud to say that I deserve this award, the doctoral fellowship from the school. Yes, today I received this good news.

The fact is, if they have had given me a rejection, the world would still go on, and I would have treated it like one of the 200 rejection letters I keep in my email, and forget about it in a minute. Is this sad? am I so desperate? or maybe it's just life.

For the first time in my life, I can pay rent and food for myself. Yup, pathetic graduate student.