I haven't played piano for just two weeks. This piece is just a killer OMG...

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I finally got my visa today. Yeah... one less thing to worry about!

I need to write two more blog posts in here. Here is one. Brief and doesn't really say anything...

I used to play soccer with my friends every week when I was in primary school. Then, when I began secondary school, my toe got hurt and I needed to discontinue... Now, I want to play, but it's hard to find someone to play. Well, I am watching World Cup! It's just been four years, all the familiar names are gone... The Brazilian doesn't play like Brazilian anymore...

Looked at imdb review of Toy Story 3, it's got a rating of 9.2 ---- all-time #6 (as of June 26th, 2010)! Some reviewers were comparing it to the Shrek series (which I think weren't that good), and many of the reviewers already granted it an Oscar... I look forwards to watching it (July 15th let's gooooooooo!).

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Some things just aren't meant to be with you forever; you have to learn to let go. How many Woody[s] do you have at home, or in your hearts? I have too many at home... I am a "don't throw away my stuff!" person.

I've been seeing some very crappy conductings on TV lately. I mean... weird gestures are totally fine, but non-intentional repetition of meaningless weird gestures means bad conducting to me, totally...

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I was working on the page right before the coda in Chopin's fourth Ballade. Seriously, the TV is kinda scary...

I really just want to play piano every day, but I have to go to Guangzhou again tomorrow, not that I don't wanna see grandmum... I love my grandmum.

I am keeping myself occupied as much as I can, so that I feel I am very much alive. I am playing this Chopin Ballade madly, but my playing doesn't have a soul. It's loud, messy... I hear no musicianship in me. so empty. there's nothing. I want to feel pain, but I feel nothing.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't play. I feel like I am insulting Chopin and whoever can play this piece...

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Maybe I became a composer because I fear to be alone. I have my music.

I can't feel sad anymore. I feel very empty, like there is a part of me being torn apart and taken away. I can't feel my blood. My heart feels like it has stopped, and I am exhaling more than I am breathing. I am losing things... physical and mental. Well, or you can say, I am losing part of my soul... disappear, empty...

And yet, I am writing a paper... Seriously, I don't know what I am typing anymore. I don't know about expression, communication, emotion, and I don't know what I wanna say... yet I call myself a composer. Maybe I became a composer because I wanted to learn all these...

I really think that life is beautiful, at least it should be... well actually, I think that part of life should be ugly; otherwise, you never realize life is beautiful, right?

See? I really am not sure what I wanna say, but I still keep typing... I wish I can do that with my paper. Well, someone's gonna correct my paper though, and I can say whatever the hell I want here...

it's really not professional, oh well, for once?

I am writing about plainchant and mass in the Renaissance. It gives me a serious headache. I enjoy listening to them very much, but they are hard to understand.

I'm typing, I'm typing, I'm typing... I'm not thinking. I can't think. Why am I here? Why am I typing? I don't know anymore, really...

I've been a lot more drunk before... but I never felt as bad as today. Okay brothers, no more alcohol for a while... haha.

I need to catch up on many things including my online class and piano practicing. Going to Guangzhou again this Sunday.

I remember, a few years ago, a professor (not my applied instructor) told me that he hears no musicianship in a piece of mine. I believe it is the worst thing possible to say to a composer. Really, you can say how bad my piece is, be it technical, musical... I am even happy if you hate my music, because I have successfully triggered an emotion in you and that we have communicated with each other successfully... But, he completely denied any musicality in my music. Why then, should this piece, exist? It was also the first time I started to think, why should I be a composer? Am I necessary? Who needs me?

I started to realize that, besides loving music, I have continued to be a musician because I need to prove that I am a necessary existence. This is the same reason why I do photography. I have something to say, and I need an audience, even if there is only one --- even if I am only necessary to one person in this whole world, I am happy.

But, maybe it doesn't matter anymore... as long as my music needs me, and I need music.

I went to do a mini surgery on my left toe today; I guess I needa stay home for a few days...

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More practicing... Here is a video of Zimmerman's old recording of Chopin's fourth Ballade. It remains one of my favorite interpretations of this piece. It is very structured and well thought out yet free and expressive. I believe this is the best piece Chopin wrote - it has everything - Nocturne, Barcarolle, Waltz, Mazurka and a crazy coda...

Sometimes, it is frustrating to watch him play, haha... It is just impossibly clean.

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I usually don't practice piano to perform. I never performed Chopin's first ballade (except for an audition) among many other pieces. Practicing piano has become something that I do purely for myself ----- it's great. I don't really plan to perform this fourth ballade when I am done, either... I just enjoy playing on my own. Maybe sometimes, I'll play some chamber music again.

I am sort of hesitated to start the coda...